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| BCP's or Insane Pills??? |
| 02.27.04 (9:59 pm) [edit] |
What is it in these damn pills that completly takes over your abilty to be reasonable?? I dropped a sock on the floor while doing laundry...this obviously calls for a 5 minute tirade about how every thing I touch falls apart, doesn't it? Dan stepped into the bathroom when I needed to get a tissue...how dare he. He is supposed to KNOW that I needed to get a tissue and wait patiently for me to get one before shutting the door. You mean he ISN'T a mind reader?? Who knew? I feel so bad for Dan... the past few days he can't even look at me without me being snotty to him about something. He has been trying to be so nice too. He is actually bringing me home some dinner after work tonight and last night he called to see what kind of candy bar I wanted him to bring me. So why is it that I am still pissy??
I have been all pukey and blah and crampy..are you SUPPOSED to be crampy when you are on these things?
:roll:
We both actually have tomorrow off so I am hoping that it will be a little more relaxed than it has been between us. I will TRY to chill the fuck out..it may not be easy though.
I honestly don't remember feeling anything at all when I was on these damn things before. Have they changed in the few short years I have been off of them?? :?
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| Cats...womens best friend!! |
| 02.25.04 (5:18 pm) [edit] |
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And they say cats aren't loyal!? Whoever says that is full of utter bullshit. So...I was bored and took a little nap earlier...no big whoop, right? Well apparently Dan thought I had been sleeping too long and thought it would be a good idea to throw Calli in the bedroom to 'wake me up.' You know what he did? Calli crawled under the blankets and napped WITH me. GOOD KITTY! That will teach Dan to try to use Calli as a pawn in his evil games!! :twisted:
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| Rainy Season |
| 02.25.04 (9:48 am) [edit] |
Holy shit! Does 'rainy' season even end here?? I knowt hat about 9 out of 12 months the weather is perfect here but in those other 3 months it more than makes up for it. It sounds like a damn hurricane out there. The one kickass thing is that we live so close to the ocean, when it gets like this we can actually hear the waves from our condo! :shock: I think it's been raining for the past month straight. Ok..I may be exaggerating a bit but dammit, it sure feels like it has been. We are supposed to be getting up to 40 ft. waves today. Isn't it enough that we have mudslides and earthquakes here...but now we have to watch out for tsunamis? :? hee
Ok..yesterday totally blew. Calli woke up once again & decided that the house needed to be redecorated in blood. What a sight that was to come out of the shower to. Of course after this Dan felt the need to remind me that I need to be making a decision on this matter soon. Oh gee, thanks for the reminder..it's not like this isn't already on my mind 24/7! I will be honest...I have never had to put any of my precious kitties to sleep. I know that it will get to a point when that is what is best but even then I don't know how a person actually DOES it! I truely think that it would be easier for me to jump off the Golden Gate than to make THIS particular decision.
The day DID get better though. I ended up babysitting for a few hours for Torhilds (my boss) little 8 month old girl, Maya. Now..from the moment this little girl was born I have been hearing horror stories about her attitude. She was sure a little angel for me yesterday though. After being with her for only a little while all I could think of was..people actually DON'T want these things?? Come on now....I leave the room and she starts crying..I come back and she is cooing. What more could you want from a relationship than someone just being happy that you are THERE?? :lol:
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| We interrept this BLOG to bring you the Year already in progress.... |
| 02.21.04 (4:31 pm) [edit] |
February 21st, 2004.
My fucked up family!
11:11am - Ok..so the last 10 times I have talked to my mom she tells me that she has been calling my brother Mike for like 2 months now and no one ever answers. She has left messages but...NOTHING! What a big jackass! So, it looks like I get to call and bitch him out here soon. My mom has been through enough without this douchebag making her worry. He needs to get the fuck out of Alabama. I have no damn idea why he is still there as it is. It definitely hope it's not so he can be spending quality time with our 'father'. At least Kirk is doing his best to take care of her. I talked to Andrea and she said that he has been stopping in to see her and make sure all is ok every day on his way home from work. I will seriously never understand the mentality of people like Kirk. They can be the most annoying buttholes on this earth but are the first to try to take care of things when something is wrong. I don't get it. I guess we ALL know someone like that though, right?
February 20th, 2004.
Gonna be a long weekend....
1:02pm - So, Wednesdays drs appt. went ok. I am not sure if we actually got any answers to what is going on but it seems like we may be headed in that direction. I am going on 'the pill' for a month...then going to have another HSG done. I am totally curious to see what this third party dr has to see when he sees the films. One dr said they looked clear, another dr said there were suspicious findings on it. I don't know what to believe. So far with these pills, the bleeding has gotten under control though and I guess that is the first priority. D'uh!!
I seriously don't know how women who have been going through this for years and years deal. You fucking know that if men were the ones that got pregnant, there would be an answer and treatment to every damn aspect of what could go wrong. Not only that...but all of the procedures to correct these problems would be painless. Typical!!
Ok..lets move on to happier pastures. We FINALLY got our income tax return money deposited today. YEAH!!!! Just in time to get Dan a nice birthday present. He really deserves something special this year. I am so lucky to have found a guy that may even spoil Calli more than I do. You know what he did???? He went out and bought a nightlight to put next to Callis food dish so he could see to eat at night??? Who thinks of this stuff???
Speaking of Calli...I don't know how much longer he has. He is steadily getting worse. He is still eating and all but his damn tumor, I can tell is starting to bug him more and more. Half of the time when he eats now, it starts bleeding. What the fuck is going on with the bleeding issues in this house?? Maybe something is wrong with the water here.
I will be spending the weekend anticipating the arrival of my new cd that I ordered..$84...can you believe that shit? But dammit, I am sure it will be worth it.
So...it's off to work. Fun fun!! Gotta pay for that cd somehow!!
February 15th, 2004.
Grrrr!!
7:20am - So...Here I am on on day 22 of bleeding now. Can you believe this shit?? Although I will admit it isn't heavy like it has been. I guess the prometrium did SOMETHING at least. Now I just have to wait for Wednesday to see what else the dr has in mind. I just don't understand why this happens. It's ridiculous.
I have the feeling it's going to be a sucky ass day at work too. I don't wanna be UP much less looking at pregnant woman and babies all day. What a treat. Can you believe my life? An 'Infertile' working in childrens store. How stupid is that? Nothing like being a glutton for punishment, eh?
It's been a pretty boring weekend. We rented a few movies yesterday..that was our big fun. WOOHOO Valentines! I guess I shouldn't complain, I really didn't feel like doing much anyway. We are BOTH back to work today though. I hate leaving poor Calli alone. I worry SO much. He has been having a couple good days in a row now...knock on wood.
Well..off to get ready for work.
February 11th, 2004.
Pity Party Day
2:32pm - We are at the verge of doing IVF, but I seriously can't imagine spending that kind of money. We were thinking about adoption too but again...money. Apparently it is NOT going to happen naturally for us..especially since drs can't even seem to get my cycles under control much less give me any answers as to why we are having such troubles.
We will be hitting the 3 year marker in May and I am now thinking that it may be time to call it quits. I know I am probably just feeling sorry for myself right now and will probably feel differently tomorrow, but I find myself thinking about this more and more often. I know there are a lot of women out there that have been ttc for a lot longer than me and are still hanging in there...I just don't think that's me though. I can't see myself dealing with this for too much longer.
February 9th, 2004.
Whew!
10:40am - So...15 days of bleeding. Crazy, huh? Why does this keep happening and why can't any dr give me any answers?? Dealing with this crap is getting really old. I said if it didn't stop by today, that I was calling the dr, and wouldn't you know it, last night, it stopped. I almost wished it hadn't just so I could freak out the dr. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 17th, which I am sure I still won't know anything more. With all of todays innovations, why am I such a medical mystery? The other part I don't get is I don't even get anemic from bleeding this much. It all just doesn't add up.
Not only have I been dealing with that, but Calli has been getting steadily worse too. I feel so helpless. I wish there was more I could do for the poor thing. He is still eating some and purring and cuddling but you can tell that he isn't feeling up to par.
We did have ONE good day last week. We went up to Los Gatos and walked around. We went to 'Purrsnickety' and I bought a cute necklace. I love that place. ^..^< I hope we go up there more often. It's a great town.>
February 2nd, 2004.
Soo....
5:23pm - It's been a while since I have update anything here. There is a reason, I guess. Nothing is going on. *sigh* Life has been pretty uneventful as of late. Just a lot of work and not much else.
We did get a sad phone call last night though. It turns out that Dans mom had to put her dog Tess to sleep a week or so ago. The poor thing. It's so sad when animals get sick. You feel so damn helpless.
I also got another interesting phone call today too. Wendi called and it sounds like her and Wade are getting divorced. I hate to say but I always had the feeling that it would only be a matter of time. That sounds so awful and it's not like I was hoping for it to happen but..to me, something about those 2 never clicked. She seems pretty ok and happy about it all though.
Me and Dan finally have a day off together this Wednesday so we are headed up to Los Gatos to do some walking around and hanging out. It seems like forever since we have been out of the house for something other than a stupid drs appt.
Calli is still chugging right along (knock on wood) He is being his usual piggy self. I can't believe how much damn food he has been going through. He's worth every penny of it though. ^..^
January 22nd, 2004.
What the hell???
7:11am - So..I got some interesting news at my post-op appt. It seems as if with my last surgery, that the dr actually DID perf. my uterus! WTF? I don't get it. It looks as if there was a puncture wound right where you would THINK it would be. How could she tell me she didn't puncture it, if she did? It doesn't sound as if it would really cause any problems compared to the rest of what this dr. saw though. This just gets funner and funner. I have my other drs appt. at NOVA later this afternoon..I am assuming I won't get any new info there..I guess we are just probably going to pay some more money out the wa-zaa! I also have to start on the estrogen today. I sure hope that the side effects aren't bad. I know they aren't fun with the progesterone.
Work has totally sucked too. Yesterday wasn't bad I guess but Sunday and Monday were days from hell. One of those situations..everything that CAN go wrong WILL. Our printer broke, got lots of freight, lots of Zutano sold (uggh)....just glad it's over. For now.
Torhild did tell me a few funny anticdotes though. That woman always cracks me up. I can't believe that Dan still hasn't seen Maya. She is 7 months old for christs sake.
January 16th, 2004.
I got presents!
10:53am - So..Dan got back from Seattle last night and he was good and brought me some nice presents! He got me a Space Needle coffee mug and travel coffee mug, a pen and he got Calli a little meowing robot kitty! ^..^< Aww!! I have to say, I don't think Calli was too impressed though. We are already talking about the possibility of taking a trip to Seattle sometime this summer. I would kind of like to go back to ELK though..that place was fantastic...or maybe even back to Michigan for a few days, I don't know. >So..this sucks..I have to work all day Sunday and Monday all by myself. I am going be so damn bored! :/ But if you want to look at it in a positive light, that means I have 2 days off in a row..Tues/Wed!
Boy, can you tell nothing is happening in my life right now? I got nothin'!
January 13th, 2004.
T-I-R-E-D!
9:38pm - Man..what a few days it's been. I don't know why I say that, other than the fact that I am exhausted. No reason to be exhausted but I am.
Dan was up early and on his way to Seattle. He has already called three times since he got there. I miss him though. I hope he has a good time. He better not go to the Experience Music Project though. There will be hell to pay if he does! Ha..like he would tell me if I did anyway!
So, this morning didn't start out well. Calli had another one of his 'episodes'. I am beginning to think that it is the worrying about him that is making me so tired and crabby. What else can I do though? It's not something that you can just 'not do'. I will ALWAYS worry about that little guy. I just wish there was something I could do for him..or that he could talk and tell me what's going on. Sometimes it's so hard to tell. I seriously just can't imagine life without Calli. It would be horrific.
I can't believe the weather here the past few days. I wish it was like this all year long. I love being able to wear whatever I want. Not too cold, not too hot. It feels like Autumn, instead of winter. I seriously don't know how I lived in Michigan for so long. I must have been mental!
Work has been...well...work. In the midst of doing inventory right now...BLAH! Oh well..I guess it's something to do. Not a lot to entertain you there after the christmas rush is over. I still can't get over some of the questions people feel the need to ask when you work with the public. Peoples stupidity and just plain rudeness always amazes me. No..I don't have kids...No..I don't own the store...Yes..I AM pretty short...Yes..my hair does kick ass (ha..ok that one is ok to hear)...Yes..you CAN shut up now! PLTHHH!
January 11th, 2004.
Adoption
10:38pm - I talked to Dan a little while ago and he gave me the name of the adoption agency that he heard about. I tried looking them up online but so far I haven't found much, but I will definitely be doing more investigating. It has been a long time since I have been this excited about something. I don't know if our idea is to go internation with this or not yet..we still have a lot to discuss but I am so glad that the idea was finally put on the table as a viable option. I mean imagine...in just over a year, if we start on this now, we could actually have a little one right here with us!! After dealing with all of this stuff, a year doesn't seem like a long wait at all.
Not to say that we still aren't hoping to hear good news from our drs appts. on the 20th, but it's so great to have this idea in the works! I did talk to Andrea this morning and once again, she offered to me a surrogate for us. It is so great of her to even THINK of doing that, much less offering. HA..I think it would be kind of hard to do from Michigan though!
So..onto other things. Calli seems to be having a mellow day..sometimes it's hard to tell exactly how he is doing. When he is just chillin' it's hard to tell if it's because he isn't feeling well or if it's just his 'age'. He's been eating, so I will take that as a good sign. ^..^
January 10th, 2004.
I thought weekends were for fun!
10:13pm - So..what did I do all day today, you ask? I cleaned. I dusted, did laundry, dishes, made dinner, vacuumed, cleaned the floors and counters....Jealous?? I didn't think so. Although, in all honesty, I love the way I feel when it's all done. Nothing like having a nice clean house. Yep, you can call me anal-retentive, and I don't care. There are definitely worse things to be called. I did watch 'Finding Nemo' too..how cute was that movie? OMG!
I also called Drs Schmidts office and made an appt. with him for us to talk to him about what Dr Damore found during surgery. I didn't realize that I would have to go and talk to BOTH Drs about this. I don't know if I should think that this is a good or bad thing. I think ONE appt. would be sufficient. Wouldn't you? I am not looking forward to going on estrogen, if that is still the plan...it just gives me flashbacks of being on the progesterone, and that's wasn't much fun at all. Damn, with all these problems, you would think I am 87 years old. I do hope to come away from these appt. with a plan though. I will be REALLY pissed if I come out without any further knowledge as to what's going on. That is typically what happens to me though.
So, last night I just sat around, drank some wine and burned a few cds..it's so sad to think that I can so easily entertain myself. I am turning into a hermit. If it weren't for work, I don't think I would ever leave the house. Hell..much less get out of my pajamas. Isn't that a sign of depression? Hmm..either that or a sign of finally realizing that getting dressed, having your hair and makeup done everyday is a big pain in the hole. Who am I trying to impress?
January 9th, 2004.
Another Weekend....and nothing to do!
11:35pm - As usual, it's Friday night and I have absolutely nothing to do. So I decided it's time once again for Tiffannis annual "Let's Find Some New Music Night" That's always fun. I found some new Neil Finn stuff..can't complain there and a band called "Spoon" that is pretty rockin'!
Can you believe it...Calli was actually playing a little tonight! I told Dan he is the kitty equivalent to 'The Little Engine that Could" (Knock on wood)
So, here is something scary. I got home from work tonight and there was a message from the Dr that I saw at the IVF clinic...he said he wanted us to get together for a meeting with him and Dr DaMore. I honestly don't think I have ever heard of having a meeting with 2 different drs..especially from different practices. The thought of what they are going to tell me is kind of scary. Dan called a little while ago thought and told me that he was already getting some thoughts from a guy he works with as to how to go about starting the adoption process. It's an intimidating idea but I guess you have to start somewhere. I really am not looking forward to them saying that they want to do the damn hysteroscopy again. I don't need anymore poking around going on. I am truely sick of it.
January 7th, 2004.
Well, it's over!
11:01am - The surgery that is. Not without some fun happeneing beforehand though. First off, the nurse told us they would probably be picking me up in my room around noon..so 1pm hits and still NOTHING! WTF? So, they finally call up and I guess they just had some complications with the patient before me. Fun fun! The whole damn time we were waiting, we had to listen to both the nurses AND the patients on either side of us' life stories. I felt like I was going to pull my hair out.
So ON with the results, you say? Here ya go: We didn't get the results we were hoping for, but do we ever?! Instead of finding a polyp and moving on like any NORMAL person would, they ended up apparently finding a whole lot of scar tissue in my ute. That's no good. The dr seems pretty confused and surprised by these findings. (As am I, I have to admit) He mentioned doing high dose estrogen and something else to Dan but I don't really have much recollection of what he told me. The most surprising fact of the day for me though was having Dan bring up adoption on the way home and he was totally serious about it. It's a good thing, but scary at the same time to think that 'Mr Positive' thinks that we may not have much of a chance on our own now. That is reality though. I am not feeling nearly as upset as I would expect I would with this news however. I guess at this point, anything we actually find out is a step forward. My biggest concern with the surgery was having the god-awful nausea afterwards, which didn't happen..THANK GOD!
I think today is just going to be a lazy day. We may head up to the store to get a few things but other than that, I think we will probably just sit on our ass-necks.
January 4th, 2004.
BitchFest '04!
6:58pm - Why is it so damn fun to sit and bitch with friends?? I don't think that there is a topic that I can't find something to bitch about. It's almost cleansing. I think that is what I did almost the whole day today at work with a co-worker...and it was good!
Other than that, the day has been a bust. Nothing new to report, other than the fact that I got home and Dan had bought a whole new DVD rack. Not sure if I like it though. There was nothing wrong with our old one. And on the bad news department, Calli doesn't seem to be doing too well today! He hasn't been eating much today and just kind of sitting around. I know...I know, what else do cats do? Still..he isn't as 'UP' as he could be and I don't like it. For the past week or so, I have had this feeling of impending doom and I pray that it has nothing to do with 'Lil Calli. I am thinking now that is why I have felt so nauseated lately...I am worrying myself silly.
Well, it's off for the pre-op appt. tomorrow afternoon. I don't know if I will actually be talking to the dr or just going in to sign paperwork. I am hoping both. I do have a few questions..although I guess they can be answered after the surgery at the post-op appt.
So, farewell to another weekend. The holidays, I think are offically ka-poot!
January 3rd, 2004.
Getting nervous!
12:09pm - My surgery is just 3 short days away and I am now getting nervous. Not particularly that anything bad will happen.I am just scared that they won't find anything. The idea of in-vitro really scared the crap out of me. Adoption is too expensive. I guess I will just be the crazy old neighborhood 'catlady' I guess there are worse things to be, eh?
So, we are supposed to be heading up to San Jose here in a little bit. I don't know if I really want to go or not. The idea of leaving Calli by himself doesn't sit well with me right now. I do have to admit that it would be nice to get out of the house for a while though. (Well, besides going to work, that is)
I can't believe I am saying this but I am glad that it has finally stopped raining here...for a few hours at least. After weeks of it, it's kind of getting old. I can't believe that Dan was trying to talk me into driving into the mountains to see the snow? Who the hell wants so see snow????? Not me, that's for sure. I will never understand that man! :/
I have to say I am loving this new lcd monitor. It's pretty kick ass! I didn't realize that it would make such a big difference.
I just talked to my mom a little bit ago. She asked if I had gotten an email from my dad. Nope. Ha..I blocked his addy on my account. She said that Andrea had gotten one..talking about how he wishes that his kids and grandkids looked up to him like he did with his parents and grandparents. That is a fucking joke if I ever heard one. You have to actually be a good person for anyone to look up to you, jackass! D'uh!! Hehe...I crack myself up.
January 2nd, 2004.
Whew..glad today is almost over!!
8:59pm - Ok..the day started off with Calli having another one of his bleeding episodes...so I was totally freaked out and worried about him all day because of that. He is, thank god eating a bit now but taking it easy and kind of not being too active. Poor kitty. I wish so badly that there was something I could do for him.
THEN..Dan got home at 7am and tried to turn our computer on only to have our monitor start smoking. I guess that really shouldn't surprise us since it IS like 5 years old now. So he ended up having to go up to Circuit City this afternoon to get a new monitor only to have the one he bought not work when he got it home! So, he had to go back and pick out another one. We are now the proud owners of a huge flat screen lcd monitor. It is pretty kewl I must admit. But it would still have been nice to not spend that money.
I had to work at 2pm and I think every woman in there must have had a huge stick of some sort up their ass. I have been seen a bunch of more crabby people. What makes new mothers think that they can just whip out their boob to start feeding their baby anywhere they please? Am I the only one that just doesn't understand this? Have these ladies never heard of PRIVACY?? I don't need to see these things! I really really don't!
So, after a long freakin' day I am just sitting here surfing around and trying to relax with yet another glass of champagne! I hope this isn't a sign as to the year to follow!!
January 1st, 2004.
The New Year!
7:25pm - Well this new year marks the 2 years and 8 month mark for us trying to have a baby. I have to say, after this long, it definitely feels similar to banging your head against a brick wall. Especially when you don't have any answers as to why this is happenening. I do have to admit that I think after this amount of time, I don't think I am as desperate to have a child as I was in the beginning. Now I am to the point where I just want one to prove that I can. That sounds awful I know, but I have never been one to be told I can't do something or take the easy road.
Next Tuesday, the 6th, I am supposed to have a hysteroscopy/d&c done to get rid of what the drs think is a polyp. Let's hope that they actually find something this time and it makes it possible to have a child without going through in-vitro. It seems like I have had about a million procedures done with nothing to show for it. Not only are some of these procedures evasive...but they are expensive. You would think that with todays science, they would be able to tell me SOMETHING for gods sakes! But no. Ok, that's not being totally honest. I have found out there there are a number of things wrong with me..but none of them account for the 2(maybe 3) miscarriages or the subsequent period of infertility. I am a medical mystery I guess.
Ok, onto happier things. The new year WAS brought on in a good note. Back in Oct. I was told that my gorgeous, adorable, sweet, loving, fluffy, cute, precious 18 year old cat had cancer....yesterday, he had a follow up appt. where his dr told me he was a miracle cat. He didn't think he would still be around, much less still eating like a pig and playing when the idea grabs him. I really really don't know what I have done the last 18 years of my life without the little guy. He has definitely been my pilar of sanity.
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